Dear Postpartum Body,
I’ve seen you once before and we did not get along.
I treated you badly my first pregnancy – fed you junk food, drank too much soda, and never exercised. But somehow, you helped me naturally deliver a healthy 8 pound baby girl.
So I learned to be thankful for you, even though I hated looking at you.
When we got pregnant again, I was going to do everything in my power to treat you better. Drink more water, exercise multiple days a week, go on walks, eat healthy, etc.
Because when we met again, I wanted to get along.
I wanted it to be better.
But it wasn’t.
It was worse.
I saw you 12 weeks earlier than I expected.
How was I supposed to react?
I found out my baby had no heartbeat and we still carried her for another 24 hours.
How did my baby have no heartbeat, yet we still had a perfect round belly?
You helped me deliver my baby girl, but why didn’t anyone warn me of what was to come after?
That the 6-week postpartum wait would still be a rule.
That postpartum hair loss was still going to happen.
That there’s a 10 pound weight limit when I have a toddler who needs me.
That my milk would still come in. And this time it would come in heavy and fast.
Still, how amazing is it that you were able to produce so much milk the second time around but with my first pregnancy you couldn’t make any?
Does that mean I treated you better? Did we just know more this time?
I guess we will never know.
I come home without a baby in my arms and still have to lose all the weight I gained.
This wasn’t how I wanted to meet.
You are bleeding, and I am in diapers. Yet we are not changing any newborn diapers.
You are hurting, and I am crying. Yet we are not hearing any newborn cries.
You are tired and trying to recover from a delivery of a baby — my baby.
My baby girl that I will never get to put to sleep or help recover from a bruised knee.
Did my body fail me? Or did I fail my body?
The questions I constantly ask myself.
I know you are trying your best and healing. And I am too.
You are a temple and I want to treat you like one.
Because maybe one day, later on, we can try to grow another healthy baby together again.
Love, Sav
