Here I am writing this after another negative pregnancy test.
We have been trying since October, so I’m starting to feel defeated.
**My heart truly goes out to the couples who try for years – y’all are so resilient.**
After delivering my daughter stillborn at 28 weeks in July, the doctor gave us the green light to start trying again in October.
She told me my body was physically ready, but that it was ultimately up to me if I was mentally ready.
Looking back, I was not mentally ready.
I remember hoping to get pregnant in October because it seemed so perfect: we could take announcement photos at Christmas, and he/she would be born around the same time we lost our daughter.
In that moment, it felt like the perfect plan. Now, I know that would have caused so much hurt.
I bawled when I got that negative test in October.
We tried again in November and then again in December. Both times — negative.
I got sad each time. But, also kind of relieved.
I titled this blog, “God’s Timing is Perfect.”
January has been a crazy month. I feel like myself for the first time since before I was pregnant with Maeve.
I finally feel like she is getting the best version of me, and I truly enjoy hanging out with her everyday. I look forward to what we are going to play with, watching her learn new words, and cuddling with her on the couch.
The park we went to yesterday had a swing where Maeve and I could sit and face each other. We were both cracking up. That’s when I knew that would be a moment I would want to remember forever. If I could have that feeling of pure joy on speed dial, I would.
As much as I wish Eden was here with us, I’m soaking up this time with Maeve and embracing each moment.
I was traveling for almost two weeks straight at the end of this past December. I was hardly on my phone and I got to spend time with my family and my bestest friends. It was so rejuvenating.
Returning back to Austin, I was excited for the new year. I’ve started taking vitamins, prioritizing rest, and started reading a book!
I woke up one morning this month, and thought, “I want another kid. I am ready to be pregnant again.”
Not even a month ago, I was telling a friend, “If it doesn’t happen in like 6 months, I’m content with just Maeve.”
^^^ That was the version of myself who was not ready to try again mentally, but not realizing it. ^^^
See, I look back and I think if I got pregnant in October when I wanted, then I would have been sucked back into pregnancy again.
Yes, you read that right. I do not enjoy being pregnant. It’s a means to an end. I do it for the outcome, but the journey sucks. I’m sick, tired, moody, in so much pain, nothing fits, swollen. No matter how much I work out, I gain 50 lbs. I could keep going, but I’ll spare you. The bottom line is: it’s not fun.
While all of those feelings are valid, I’ve been shifting my mindset to look at pregnancy differently now. I see it as a time where I get to grow our next family member. Will it be awful? Probably. But how can I shift my perspective? What do I have control of? These are the questions I’m going to be asking myself while we wait for God’s timing.
Also, no, just because I feel ready now doesn’t mean I don’t expect to be pregnant next month. But when it does happen, I will be excited. I trust that God’s timing will be perfect for us because He knows us best.
Have you ever been in a season in your life where you have to learn to trust that God’s timing is perfect? Leave a reply below, I would love to talk more!
