Honestly, this is a blog I’ve wanted to write since the beginning of November, but I’ve been putting it off. I’m not good at letting myself sit with unhappy thoughts. I almost wrote it around Thanksgiving, but something just didn’t feel right. It’s now seven days before Christmas and it still doesn’t feel right. Because it isn’t right. I feel empty. I feel no joy. Isn’t this supposed to be the most wonderful time of the year?
I gave birth to my beautiful daughter at the end of July. I was 28 weeks pregnant, and she was stillborn. We found out a mere 36 hours before I gave birth that my baby girl had no heartbeat.
As I was going through the grieving process this summer, I knew the holidays were going to be hard. Eden was supposed to be born at the end of October. But if she was anything like her sister, she would have arrived in mid-October. I had already started planning – matching Halloween outfits, funny tees for Thanksgiving, and I had a cart full of Christmas outfits. We were going to go ALL OUT.
A two month old and a two year old seeing Christmas lights at the zoo, walking the trail of lights in Austin TX, setting up the Christmas tree, hanging family stockings (because I was finally going to buy them this year)… I had so many dreams for our family of four, soaking in all the newborn snuggles and sleepless nights. What I wouldn’t give for one of those sleepless nights right now. To be at my wit’s end since Eden can’t sleep and Maeve is regressing because of the new baby. It would be crazy in our house, but it would be filled with so much love.
But instead, it’s empty. We didn’t put up the Christmas tree, didn’t hang the stockings with care, didn’t bake gingerbread cookies, didn’t stroll through the lights.
But why has all of this hit me now? I don’t know. Grief comes in waves. Tonight, after a week of celebrating my birthday, my cousin’s kid’s first birthday, watching Maeve open early Christmas presents, and celebrating David’s birthday, everything just felt dull. There was no “yay” in me. Something was missing. I imagined all these moments with Eden in my arms. Instead, I’m standing in the corner of a kid’s birthday party trying to hold it together as I see a baby who would be about the age of Eden. On the outside, I’m smiling, but on the inside, I’m breaking.
I’m seeing family who should be meeting Eden. But instead, they’re giving their condolences. Next week, we should be taking newborn photos of Eden. But instead, we’re taking photos of our family of three. Next week, we should be sitting around the tree with family feeling so thankful for the glorious life we got to add. But instead, she will only live in our memories.
I know the holidays will get somewhat easier with time – at least that’s what I hear. But this holiday season, I’m drowning. And right now, this excerpt from the song Faithfully by Toby Mac best explains how I feel:
“I’ve had a hard time
Findin’ the blue in the skies above me
And if I’m keepin’ it real
I’ve been half-faking the happy they see.”
I don’t want to be a debbie downer this season. I don’t want to sour anyone else’s holiday season, so I put on a smile, I stay busy, and I try to look happy. On the inside, though, all I’m thinking about is you, Eden. I love you. I miss you. You’re forever part of me, my baby girl.
If you are also struggling with loss this season, I see you. I’m here for you, I’m with you, and I’m praying for you. We may not fully have it together, but we will get through this, just like we got through this loss. We’ve learned to be strong so that we wouldn’t break. We learned we can do hard things.
